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BigDaddy 08-21-2019 08:32 PM

Need some advice
 
Need some advice, and thought I would come here. Don't come around much anymore, but I still consider you all family. If this don't belong here feel free to delete.
Some of you know about our troubles with our son, my step son, but he was only 2 when Sue and I got married, so he is my son. He started having depression problems, and anxiety problems when he was in his early teens, and has never really gotten the right help for it. Sue and I have never been on the same page when it comes to discipline. I was always the strict one, and Sue let him get away with everything. He got picked up with weed when he was around 15, he is 23 now. A month ago he got his 3rd DWI in 6 years. The last 2 he lost his car both times. I told Sue I was done with him, didn't want anything to do with him. Told her it was time for tough love, and that she was to stop doing things for him, even tho I knew she wouldn't. She totes him around, getting groceries, and just doing errands. She also lets him come over to do his laundry, even tho she knows he is not welcomed, and that I don't want to see him. He goes to court in October sometime. Maximum sentence in Minnesota for what he is being charged with, is up to 1 year in jail, huge fines, and probation. I am betting that he won't get any jail time. Anyways, I am looking for some advice. Am I being to pig headed, by not wanting anything to do with him, and not welcoming him in my home? Should I give in, and get involved? Or should I stand my ground. He needs help, but he has to want it first. I think he needs to go away someplace and get the mental help he needs, but I don't think outpatient is the answer. But then he has a drinking problem too. The part I don't get, is he has to go in daily to give a breathalyzer test, so he knows he can't drink now, but then as soon as he is off probation, he is back to drinking again. So to me, thats a choice. I just don't know.

Leekg 08-21-2019 09:34 PM

PM sent.

Lee

Eric 08-21-2019 10:03 PM

For me.................it is a case of a united front from with you and Sue. Otherwise you will be the loser. You need to put your thoughts to Sue without any put downs. And be a strength for Sue in the background. It is just as hard for her even when she is taking a different tack to you.
Good luck with this. E&V

Ron Robertson 08-21-2019 10:16 PM

Has he ever been tested for Hypoglycemia. That can cause a lot of behavioral problems.????

Luv2fish 08-22-2019 03:05 AM

Sent you a private message.

Chopin 08-22-2019 04:56 AM

I feel the pain. Been through it, still going through it at age 36. When the heroin came in a few years ago it all went to hell-in-a-hen basket. Looking back, my wife and I felt powerless; and hope for tomorrow made a good supper but a poor breakfast.

Sent from my E6830 using Tapatalk

dan18960 08-22-2019 05:40 AM

I agree with Eric - and maybe part of coming to being a united front might be for you and Sue to seek some counseling.

It doesn't have to be marriage counseling either. Sometimes getting a neutral listening ear can be all that is needed to hear the other person and LISTEN to them. Hearing and listening are often thought to be interchangeable - but you can hear a loud scream but that doesn't mean you understood the loud volume - but listening provides the ability to think and weigh the words being said.

Also being too strict (often a view rather than a fact) can be a road block to seeing "the love". Maybe you might think you are strict and Sue is viewing it as anger and overbearing - and as such an unreasonable action towards her son.

I am wondering if the father has ever had a role in the son's life? Even though my ex-wife and I divorced ages ago - we have always had a good and (most of the time) healthy relationship with OUR sons.

Two Wheel Wing 08-22-2019 08:01 AM

I agree with the "united' front. If you are not both on the same page he will continue to play one against the other. He needs help and rehab. Not from someone who will tell him it's "ok" or "don't worry", but someone who will tell him like it is. That there consequences to his actions.

As far as helping him, for example, Tell him when you/wife are going to the store and ask if he wants to go along. Make him adhere to your schedule, not the other way around.

I don't know if you are affiliated with a church, but sometimes there is help there.

BigDaddy 08-22-2019 08:03 AM

Thank you everyone!

budoka 08-22-2019 08:33 AM

I'm not in any position to guide or council on this. However, I have to agree that it needs to be an all in for the three of you together. Whatever way it plays out, you need each other's support all along the way.


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