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post #21 of 2117 (permalink) Old 07-08-2011, 05:36 PM Thread Starter
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There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club
after exercising.
Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up,
and the following conversation ensues:
- “Hello?”
- “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
- “Yes.”
- “Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a
beautiful mink coat. It’s absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?”
- “What’s the price?”
- “Only $2,500.00.”
- “Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much…”
- “Ash, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2011 models.
I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really
good price… and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year…”

- “What price did he quote you?”
- “Only $70,000…”
- “OK, but for that price you should insist on all the options.”
- “Great! But before we hang up, something else…”
- “What?”
- “It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and… I
stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at
last year. It’s on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of
park area, beachfront property…”
- “How much are they asking?” - “Only $450,000 - a magnificent price… and I
see that we have that much in the bank to cover…”
- “Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?”
- “OK, sweetie…Thanks! I’ll see you later!! I love you!!!”
- “Bye…I do too…”
The man hangs up, closes the phone’s flap. He raises his hand, holding the
phone, and asks: “Does anyone know whom this phone belongs to?”

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post #22 of 2117 (permalink) Old 07-08-2011, 05:42 PM Thread Starter
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The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.' I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?' The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.' Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.' Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops. Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.' Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.' The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

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post #23 of 2117 (permalink) Old 07-08-2011, 06:45 PM
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West Virginia FARM KID in Marines (NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING)

Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake .. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Alice
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post #24 of 2117 (permalink) Old 12-09-2011, 04:03 AM
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Christmas Season Joke

Christmas Foursome

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one
remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out
of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his
buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it
a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are
on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought
my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it.
My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to
her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car,
reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at
them like they all had lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf
game. I woke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry
Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf" and she said
"Take a sweater"



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post #25 of 2117 (permalink) Old 12-09-2011, 10:32 AM
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A local preacher had to have dentures. That Sunday they hurt so bad he could only preach about 5 min. The next Sunday they still hurt and he could only preach about 10 min. The 3rd Sunday he preached for about 3 hours. They tried to "sing him down" but could not. Finally after the deacons wrestled him out of the pulpit and got him setteled down, they commented to him that he must have really been caught up by the Holy Spirit. He sadly said "No". They said what was it then?

He told them that the previous 2 Sundays his dentures hurt so bad he couldn't talk. But today he had mistakenly put in his wife's dentures and couldn't make hisself shut up.

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post #26 of 2117 (permalink) Old 12-09-2011, 01:00 PM
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Twin brothers Harry and Henry,were 80ty years had been playing golf together every morning since they sold the family hardware store 20ty years before and retired. Every morning rain or shine they would meet at the Country Club at day light, play 18 hole and be home for lunch.
One day noon comes and they aren't home, soon it's 2:00 and they still aren't home then at 6;00 PM. Harry shows up at home. His wife has been worried sick wondering where he's been. ask's where he's been.
Well;he say; Henry had a Heart Attack on the 3rd tee and died. And you know how it is you Hit the ball, and you drag Henry, you hit the ball and you drag Henry.

From the Northwest Corner
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post #27 of 2117 (permalink) Old 12-09-2011, 02:07 PM
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A wife approached her husband about the opportunity of having a Breast Augmentation.
Husband -"I don't think we have the money....besides, haven't you heard of the new breast enlargement exercise? Simply rub a piece of common toilet paper between your breast."
Wife -"I don't understand. How can that make your breast larger?"
Husband -"Not sure....but it sure worked on your rear end."

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post #28 of 2117 (permalink) Old 12-09-2011, 04:41 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by EFINREF View Post
A wife approached her husband about the opportunity of having a Breast Augmentation.
Husband -"I don't think we have the money....besides, haven't you heard of the new breast enlargement exercise? Simply rub a piece of common toilet paper between your breast."
Wife -"I don't understand. How can that make your breast larger?"
Husband -"Not sure....but it sure worked on your rear end."
I understand he get's the full body cast off in another month, but it will be next summer before he'll be able to start walking again.

From the Northwest Corner
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post #29 of 2117 (permalink) Old 12-09-2011, 06:29 PM
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The wife comes home after her annual exam and says to her husband , " The doctor told me I have the upper body of a thirty-three year old " . Husband replies, " What did he say about your sixty-five year old ass ? " Wife responds, " He's looking forward to your appointment next week ".

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post #30 of 2117 (permalink) Old 12-13-2011, 06:31 AM
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