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post #1881 of 2080 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 12:30 AM
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Ken; so you are saying to stock up on Wallets, if I understand you Right

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post #1882 of 2080 (permalink) Old 02-24-2017, 08:29 PM
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NO NURSING HOME FOR US!





No nursing home for us. We'll be checking into a Holiday Inn!


With the average cost for a nursing home care costing $188.00 per day,
there is a better way when we get old and too feeble.


I've already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined
long term stay discount and senior discount, it's $59.23 per night.


Breakfast is included, and some have happy hours in the afternoon.
That leaves $128.77 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or
room service, laundry, gratuities and special TV movies.


Plus, they provide a spa, swimming pool, workout room, lounge and washer-dryer, etc.
Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.

$5 worth of tips a day you'll have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
They treat you like a customer, not a patient.
There's a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free.
The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp).

To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays.

For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at
one of the nice restaurants there.
While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.

It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today.
And you're not stuck in one place forever -- you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.


Want to see Hawaii ? They have Holiday Inn there too.
TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem . . .
they fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.

The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they'll call an ambulance . . . or the undertaker.

If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will
upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you,
and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation.

The grandkids can use the pool.
What more could I ask for?
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Ham Call: W1AYZ

Past Master of Ephrata Lodge #167.
Past District Deputy to the of the Grand Master of Free and Accepted Masons of Washington.
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The Older I get the Better I Was.



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post #1883 of 2080 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 06:39 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lken37 View Post
NO NURSING HOME FOR US!

What more could I ask for?
You are a freaking genius! Now if only I can remember this.....

Mark
It matters not how good you are if an angel pees on the flintlock of your musket. Old German Military saying.
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post #1884 of 2080 (permalink) Old 02-26-2017, 10:43 AM
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PHONE REPAIR

Lawrence, Kansas, December 12, 2008 A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4.. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

Thought you'd like to know.
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Ham Call: W1AYZ

Past Master of Ephrata Lodge #167.
Past District Deputy to the of the Grand Master of Free and Accepted Masons of Washington.
Past Worthy Patron of Oasis Chapter OES.

The Older I get the Better I Was.



American by Birth, Southern by the Grace of GOD.
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post #1885 of 2080 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 09:42 AM
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The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.


The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.


There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left. She said, "Janie, do you have a story to share?"


'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.


She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she had the misfortune to have parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.


She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."


''Good Heavens", said the horrified teacher, "What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this terrible story'?"


"Don't Mess with Mommy when she's been drinking."

I love these touching stories.

Ham Call: W1AYZ

Past Master of Ephrata Lodge #167.
Past District Deputy to the of the Grand Master of Free and Accepted Masons of Washington.
Past Worthy Patron of Oasis Chapter OES.

The Older I get the Better I Was.



American by Birth, Southern by the Grace of GOD.
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post #1886 of 2080 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 10:00 AM
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The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children? I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'

'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

'Please ...... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?
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Ham Call: W1AYZ

Past Master of Ephrata Lodge #167.
Past District Deputy to the of the Grand Master of Free and Accepted Masons of Washington.
Past Worthy Patron of Oasis Chapter OES.

The Older I get the Better I Was.



American by Birth, Southern by the Grace of GOD.
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post #1887 of 2080 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 10:08 AM
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Kenny, Kenny, Kenny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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post #1888 of 2080 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 01:04 PM
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Bwahahaha.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Lee.
Darksider since I finally saw the Light.
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post #1889 of 2080 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 06:40 PM
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Bwahahahaha!!!!!!!

Martena also laughed at the first one, but I didn't show her the second.....

Mark
It matters not how good you are if an angel pees on the flintlock of your musket. Old German Military saying.
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post #1890 of 2080 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 06:45 PM
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[/LIST]
Quote:
Originally Posted by lken37 View Post
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children? I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'

'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

'Please ...... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

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