I agree with the "united' front. If you are not both on the same page he will continue to play one against the other. He needs help and rehab. Not from someone who will tell him it's "ok" or "don't worry", but someone who will tell him like it is. That there consequences to his actions.
As far as helping him, for example, Tell him when you/wife are going to the store and ask if he wants to go along. Make him adhere to your schedule, not the other way around.
I don't know if you are affiliated with a church, but sometimes there is help there.
Proud Owner of IDMWT #1
1974 Blue Yamaha TX500
1986 Red Kawasaki Voyager 1200
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***(all dropped, all gone, but none forgotten)***
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Faith is more than believing God can, it's knowing God will.
Elected officials like diapers need to be changed regularly, both for the same reason. Mark Twain